As others have suggested, talking with a qualified clinical therapist may be a reasonable way to coming to find a peaceful place for your friend's death and to live with your grief in healthier ways.

A qualified clinical therapist can bring understanding and insight to the grieving process. This doesn't mean that your loss isn't unique, just that people tend to encounter similar patterns when grieving and these patterns are normal and can be dealt with in healthy ways without ignoring the reality of personal loss.

My childhood best friend, Leonard, was struck and killed by a car Thanksgiving night, 1984. Writing that made me sad. The loss is still there after all those years. But I've found a place for it and it would be worse I think if I didn't still feel the loss. My friend Phil was in the Marine Corps when Leonard died. He'd known him longer than me. The Corps would not grant him leave for the funeral.

All these years later, sometimes when we talk, we talk about Leonard's death because it hasn't gone away. But mostly we talk about our families and friends and our work and the joy in our current lives. Because that doesn't go away either.

Good luck.