But as much as people here might scoff at me, the way a desktop system looks is high up in my priority list. I spend 8+ hours a day looking at my main system, so looking nice and having a nice UX is important. All of those alternatives you mentioned seem ugly or complex to use to me, so I would want to switch to an "alt" window manager, which just sets me down the rabbit hole.

ElementaryOS would let me leave it at the defaults for just about everything.

I wouldn't scoff at you at all. Aesthetics matter. Attractive things do work better. You just have to be aware of what you are signing up for when you pick a less popular distro.