Oh, I see - MySQL is taking so long to process the queries that php-fpm runs out of free processes. Trying to "fix" it...

Update: I commented out most of the main page, but now at least the rest works. Yay. Needs caching. I'll add some when I come back home in four hours, nonetheless - this brave attempt at trying to resurrect the site's community made the whole thing collapse unexpectedly.

Worth signing up for CloudFlare's free plan, and setting a page rule to 'Cache everything'. That should help you a lot!

Except that CloudFlare is kind of evil: http://www.crimeflare.com/