When we take turns speaking, we chime in after a culturally universal short gap

Re:When we take turns speaking, we chime in after a cultural... by JoeAltmaier on Monday January 25, 2016 @10:57AM (#10967829)

I understood that some aboriginal American speakers had 'conversational timers' that were in the minutes. That is, when somebody (an elder?) stopped talking, you waited for 5 minutes of silence before you could be sure they were done talking. Navaho perhaps?

[ Parent | on HN ]

Re:When we take turns speaking, we chime in after a cultural... by logfromblammo on Monday January 25, 2016 @01:05PM (#10968731)

I like to give a little thought to the words that I speak. The conversational gap timing may be the reason I never seem to get a turn to speak in some conversations.

Sometimes, when speaking with the spouse, I sense a "your turn to speak" gap, but by the time I actually start speaking, I apparently missed my turn, and I get dinged for interrupting the continuation. Then, later, I get double-dinged for not being communicative enough.

I never quite got the hang of "seizing the conch" (as in _Lord of the Flies_) and holding onto it with a continuous stream of priority-holding conversational nulls while my brain works out what I actually want to say next. I'll sometimes pause to take a breath and before I am able to resume, someone else jumps in.

So I'd love it if I had a cultural conversation timeout even just 15 seconds long. I might actually get to talk and finish a line of thought without someone else trampling over me.

Edit (sibling post): So maybe I should try to get some Finnish friends, then? But it's been a while since I've been to Minnesota or da Yoop, doncha know.

[ Parent | on HN ]

Re:When we take turns speaking, we chime in after a cultural... by jkaunisv1 on Monday January 25, 2016 @02:42PM (#10969408)

I've definitely learned how to maintain priority with conversational no-ops when it's a situation I want/need to have my say. I dislike doing it, but it's a necessity given the bias our culture has towards fast conversation.

Hopefully your spouse can learn that's your conversational style and adapt to it. Once my partner was made aware of it she started waiting longer before answering. She even apologized once for "cutting me off" during a long pause between thoughts!

[ Parent | on HN ]

Re:When we take turns speaking, we chime in after a cultural... by JoshTriplett on Monday January 25, 2016 @02:33PM (#10969342)

I've had exactly the same experiences regarding mis-timed gaps among different groups; it can create an incredibly jarring experience, as well as a perception of rudeness by both sides.

In a more formal setting, you may have no better recourse than just learning to adapt, but with someone you're close to, it seems worth talking through explicitly.

[ Parent | on HN ]

Re:When we take turns speaking, we chime in after a cultural... by jkaunisv1 on Monday January 25, 2016 @12:58PM (#10968687)

Wouldn't be surprised. My family is Finnish but this is basically how we talk in a lot of situations. It's fun watching chatterboxes adapt to the long periods of quiet between phrases.

[ Parent | on HN ]