thcrowaway21719

(Anonymous throwaway account because I'm still employed and usually comment from an account from which my identity can be derived)

I'm a habitual user with a hereditary predisposition towards addictive behavior. Moving to the Bay Area for work 7 years ago was the best move for my banking account(s) and the worst move for my life overall. The few years in between the move and the ability for me to walk into a store and walk out with a gram of THC across various products - all obtained above the board - were some of the most productive and socially rewarding years of my life. I was clean and not within hundreds or thousands miles of anyone who could serve me my biggest lifelong vice. I'm too weak. It took a few months after the change for me to cave in. I've missed weddings. I've lost friends because I've had season-long depressive episodes where I just can't bring myself to respond to any messages - all I have the energy and drive to do is crank out JIRA tickets and then go alter reality. I'm actually just past the tail end of one now and I still have a four-figure notification backlog.

Deep in my heart I know that it is a personal problem and it is entirely up to me to defeat my own demons. But I'm the uncaught NullPointerException that surfaced when my community removed the societal defensive programming around marijuana. I wish it were still illegal.

EDIT: and to preempt a "you weren't really addicted if you never went to get a farcical medical card" - believe me, the itch was there. But it was that extra level of indirection that kept me honest and on the straight and narrow. Every time I came close, the non-immediate reward was enough of a deterrence that I could make the rational choice.