someone11823

That's fair. They have to be a willing participant. It is just so infinitely hard to tell someone, especially someone you love and support, and who's support you so greatly want (and need), "you lack empathy", especially after telling them already several times you don't feel cared for. Maybe phrasing is part of the issue, and starting with "you lack empathy" isn't quite the right way to attack this issue and is an unnecessary attack on my partner. But, where to begin with them then?

I'll admit I wrote that comment frustrated and after not sleeping great after reading this thread.

> It should be made clear that this is unacceptable and needs to change, but also that you are willing to give it time and work with your SO to help them gradually improve their empathetic capacity so that they can be a better partner to you (and better person in general) and keep your relationship healthy.

When I wrote my sibling comment it didn't come to mind, but this is exactly part of what I'm feeling as well - a strong lack of empathy on the part of my partner. It could be due to an underdeveloped insula or orbitofrontal cortexes from some of the reading I've done. This falls in line with my understanding of them having an avoidant attachment style, too, which generally I've heard is also due to being underdeveloped, compared to avoidant and securely attached individuals.

I also likely exhibit "too much" empathy myself, which is a heck of a pairing. It's not easy for me to feel like I need to "tune down" how receptive I am to my partners every little issue or negative expression and try to be there for them - but it is just so unequal otherwise, sometimes to both of our detriment. I am guessing also I need to give them space to feel negative feelings before jumping in so quickly.

I have been direct with my partner in the past about my needs not being met, as you suggest, but I think the conversation needs to happen again (and again?) as reminders and check-ins maybe? It doesn't feel good to have to do this though, especially during moments of distress when I really need them.

> We went to couples therapy for many years with no improvement, until eventually they realized it was serious enough of a problem to lead to the end of the relationship, prompting them to put in the necessary effort to change

In your case, was it truly just a matter of willpower on the part of your partner? How have things been since?

Since you seem more well read on the subject than myself: are there exercises or skills to help build someones empathetic capacity? Anything I can do (perhaps without involving/telling my partner directly) to help them? Behaviors of my own that I can change to get us going in the right direction?

Can I get this change from my partner without threatening the relationship itself as you had to do? I feel like that would undermine all the effort and reassurance I've put in, that they so badly need to help develop and feel safe.

I have gone through literally this exact same scenario. I'll send my partner texts during the day and they'll ignore them even through their lunch/breaks, or skim them and miss something important. I get to the point sometimes where I have to stop texting them, even about unrelated topics or important updates, because I know the number of texts will build up too much and when they see it they won't read any of them. As is common, my partner is dependent on me. I am her rock and the breadwinner for our family. She doesn't provide enough emotional support, I have to constantly hold back my emotional needs. Maybe she is emotionally underdeveloped. Like hell, I have to remind her to say caring things to me, and even then sometimes they don't know what to say even with a prompt. I'm curious how many of these other things you relate to or you have in common with me.

I'm also curious, does your partner have ADHD?