lonleythrowaway

It's obviously hard to describe, but yes, I had a very hard time thinking in words, but simultaneously I also had intermittently very racing thoughts. But as an example, imagine you're sitting home alone deciding what to eat for dinner. I have quite a verbose thought process where I almost pose questions and answer them to myself, like "Pizza? Naah, I had it yesterday, and it's quite fattening, I haven't worked out all week, I should get a sallad instead".

That was totally impossible to do. I could speak those things out aloud, but I couldn't really do them inside my head. If someone asked me a question, I couldn't prepare an answer in my mind before speaking. And those existentially depressing places my thoguths sometimes goes to were also not accessible.

I expressed it to those around me as "I can't think", which was obviously not completely true, but I think I was so focused/grounded in the pretty overwhelming experience that my mind couldn't really waste CPU cycles on wandering or evaluating what the best answer was to a question.

I would consider myself pretty lonely, and I do have a very prominent inner monologue. A normal day I have dozens of imagined debates, presentations or conversations on varying topics. Some particular topics have been on the docket for years at a time, before enacting them in real life (finally clearing them away).

The intensity seems to vary based on my mood and wether I'm alone. I went on a week long roadtrip with some friends, and realised after a day or two that I wasn't thinking nearly as much. It was as if I couldn't. Even if I wasn't with them for a few hours. My regular dark hole of "I'll just work for 50 years and then die alone" was not accessible, even if I tried.

I've also had almost the same exact feeling when on a pretty strong acid trip, not being able to hear my inner monologue. That time it was more scary, but also really interesting and relaxing. Microdosing LSD brought most of that feeling back (not sure if placebo though), making me more focused and less sad.

I'm guessing getting to that state is a part of what mediation is all about, but I haven't really figured that out yet.