dukha
I've been looking at other people only to see how happy they are and how content they with their life. They feel motivated, want something from life and in generally think that being alive is alright, which I just couldn't internalize no matter how hard I tried.
Essentially, I've come to the conclusion that there _must_ be something wrong with my neurotransmitters that I just can't be happy as fellow friends around me.
Many doctor appointments, many different prescriptions.
Antidepressants did their job and I started to care less about what's going on, but they didn't make me any happier. They just made me less miserable. On the other side, I've started to see the world through some kind of fog, which blocked most of my previous perception. My long-term memory started to degradate.
Now, after many years of taking various SSRIs I'm beginning to realize, that there's nothing wrong with my brain.
That's perhaps who I am, maybe either percepting more than many people around or just more sensetive and therefore reacting stronger even on slightest stimulus in a much stronger ways. I have opinions and thougts on a topics that many do not even care about.
So instead of supressing thoughts and emotions I must accept them as they are.
Second, you need to learn touch typing. There are some tips:
a) buy keyboard with blank keycaps;
b) if you can't buy such keyboard (you really should), try to pull out keycaps and randomly change their order;
c) put blanked or some non-transparent sheet over your hands.
Third, change keypress repeat interval rate and delay in your system. It will force you to hit keys quicker. If you're using linux, good starter is to run 'xset r rate 200 60'. It means 'start repeating key if it's pressed for more that 200ms and repeat it 60 times per second'. Then gradually decrease first number and increase second.
Some people will tell, that typing speed doesn't matter much, but that's not true. When you get into the flow, you're stopping thinking verbally and starting to think in entire code blocks. It's crucial to not be hindered by keyboard in that case.
And remember, it should be uncomfortable at first. Otherwise, there will be no progress.
a) tap water is going through decontamination procedures
b) there is no evidence that tap water can transmit virus
c) if you don't trust tap water you can boil it easily
d) even in single household people are not really drinking from shared pool of water
It can be argued that it's better to have water and not need it rather not having it in the need, but on the other hand if you're at the point where basic needs like water and electricity are not provided anymore lack of stockpiled water is unlikely your biggest problem.
We usually associate ourselves with ego and death is tightly linked with losing of ourselves.
But after you experience ego death once, you quickly realize that you're no longer afraid of death because there are no one who dies.