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I want it because I've seen the Samsung app store and am not inspired by the idea of more trash. People like curated gardens because they're curated.

Re-read this post and seriously evaluate what's actually being described. Dodged a bullet from what? A low quality gold digger? Normal well adjusted people have standards and unless you're going to make some absent minded appeal to norms in other cultures one of those standards is an actual bed complete with a frame. It's a low bar to reach for.