If you have the time, this long personal story by Lynn Conway about her life might show another relevant perspective.

https://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/RetrospectiveT.html

This is also worth reading:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3170124

In summary, Conway and others conducted a years-long campaign of harassment against psychology professor J. Michael Bailey. This included several attempts to get him fired from his job, a series of vexatious complaints to his licensing board, and - most infamously of all - posting photos online of his children suggesting that he had raped them and asking if his young daughter was "a cock-starved exhibitionist".

It was highly vindictive, highly unhinged behavior. They disagreed with his published work and rather than attempt to refute it, attacked him personally and extensively.

So a person you knew personally for years asked for your respect and understanding of an extremely difficult and personal decision, and you thought "Wow, I didn't care about this 5 minutes ago but now I've decided to get really bitter and vindictive about it"

Can you read?

I don't care what my coworkers wear or who they screw. Not my business.

When it bleeds over into forcing me to alter reality, yes, I have an issue.

Saying "she" != altering reality because no one is litigating what you believe, just that you treat someone's genuinely held identity with a modicum of deference. Otherwise if I were your coworker I would demand being allowed to call you a bigoted moron because anything else would be altering reality as I see it.

The HR threats are execrable, but an old school hacker would be happy to call you whatever you want, man, woman, demonking42, 0x10c, …